Dignity Sticks

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The Umbrella Chronicles (Part One)

“I don’t do umbrellas,” I used to say with pride. 

Why rob yourself, I once asked, of the strange self-deprecating joy of being caught off-guard by Mother Nature? Of being drenched to the point that it no longer matters? Of exclaiming “Oh, What A Shame” through a clenched, poorly suppressed grin and an implied wink toward the heavens? Of knowing the steaming shower and hot chocolate on getting home will feel like the best you’ve ever had? 

Why deny the chance to cast yourself as an eccentric in your own overly-idealised life story? Of embracing the downpour, blissfully oblivious to the unflattering LOL-WACKY faux-hippie image that projects to the outside world? Of catching your reflection in a passing car and realising that, with that jacket and dishevelled wet hair, you kind of rock the Christopher-Eccleston’s-Doctor-Who-newly-regenerated-into-David-Tennant look? 

No daddy-o, that will just not fly.

I now see this for the self-delusion it is. No. Deep down, the Old Me knew this day would come; he was holding on for dear life.

Hue, Vietnam. 2013. Typhoon Wutip was lurking off the coast, blowing its wind and rain and weird hip-hop cred every which way. Hotel staff insisted we step outside prepared. My wife’s hand quickly grasped mine, preventing its reflexive gesture of decline. She knew me too well.

These were not the tiny, cheap, soggy, wind-inverted, eyeball-poking bundles of failed utilitarianism we had lived and travelled with of late. We’re talking Serious Business Golf Umbrellas here. Proper, sturdy Dignity Sticks. These, if I may be so bold as to abbreviate, were quality ‘brellas.

One by one, the forgotten little thrills drew me back in. The tactile pleasure as it opened with the satisfying pull of a parachute. The overwhelming urge to twirl it as it sat on the shoulder. The sudden clarity of a long-gnawing truth: it was never truly about the rain.

A walking stick. A pointing aid. A leaning tool. To place an umbrella in the grip of an anxious 

fidgeter is to calm idle hands; to empower them with a sense of purpose; of certainty; of warmth and worth. 

But it goes far beyond that still. It resonates on a full-body level, bringing not just a skip to the step, but also a certain jazzy swagger. You know where you stand. You know who you are. You are complete.

“I’m really on to something here!” I said to my wife. “Look at me striding all confident-like! I’m leading the way and I don’t even know where we’re going!”  Her smile was that of a patient, sympathetic loved one, kindly humouring an addict already too far gone.

On returning our umbrellas to the doorman, my grip held out in a moment of futile rebellion. Greater plans and questions were already in motion. How far would I be willing to go to bring this fading feeling back? Join a golf club? Research importing options? Navigate the hazardous world of online umbrella forum snobbery, heated debates over declining industry standards and phrases such as “pre-buyout” and “YQ/inc-certified”? Risk the mantle of “Umbrella Guy” and just carry it with me 24/7? Give in to instinct and just grab the damn thing and run?

Whatever this experience has awakened, it is winning. I don’t know who I am anymore or how much longer I can hold on or oh who am I kidding?  I’m so sorry, Umbrellas. Let us never fight again.

Book Review: Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

Infinite Jest puts me in a weird position. On one hand, it's among the most rewarding, thoughtful, immersive, human and overtly life-altering I've read. Corner me with a sudden life-or-death demand for a favourite novel, and "Infinite Jest" may very well be my instinctive panicked reply.

On the other hand, 1079 pages is a hard sell, especially when the first 200 are full of motivational obstacles, the last 200 are teeny tiny footnotes, and even the basic premise in between defies a quick elevator pitch description. 

My Infinite Jest experience - which spanned a half year abroad - was far from smooth.  In fact, it completely halted any momentum I'd built up as a reader.  As such, it's not a commitment I can comfortably recommend to most time-pressed friends. Not, at least, as a novel.

No: think of it more as a months-spanning literary course, with the effort and reward the very best of such courses would demand. A book that benefits from multiple bookmarks, dog ears and excessive notational pencil vandalism. It doesn't become a distraction from life so much as a stalwart part of it.

It's incredibly readable, I should add. Wallace might strip-mine the obscurest corners of the dictionary, but you won't need exact definitions of "pernicious", "detumescence" and "prognathous" on hand to follow along. The early challenge instead comes mainly from a lack of flow from section to section. With a cast of thousands, many early individual scenes feel more like standalone short stories or vignettes; components often outright brilliant on their own merits, but with no momentum to carry one into the next section.

The story broadly alternates between two parties: the students/staff of a wealthy tennis academy, and the downhill residents of a halfway house for recovering addicts. Buried somewhere is this tangled knot of narrative threads is the master copy to Infinite Jest: a movie so entertaining it reduces the viewer to a permanent vegetable state of brain-dead happiness.

Wallace made the deliberate (and honestly, very debatable) choice to massively spread out proper introductions to his character ensemble. We spend an awfully long time with the tennis academy students before actually get to know them. Whereas the various addicts of the halfway house are immediately and compellingly introduced, but don't reappear until several hundred pages into the story. 

(Also: it's out of sequence.) 

(Also: it's set in the near future, when calendar years are confusingly sponsored - "Year of the Whopper", "Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment" - rather than chronologically numbered.) 

(Oh, and the ordering of these years is not clarified until about the one-quarter mark.)

Happily, it balances out. Every name gets an eventful history. Disjointed threads connect. Once-impenetrably-odd details make sense. A world takes shape. 200 odd pages in, the fear you're just not getting it will evaporate. Your thoughts begin to sync up with DFW's. Your eyes stop glazing over. What starts as a chore (and lingers on the sensation of starting to stop feeling like a chore without quite crossing that threshold; kind of the literary equivalent of being on the verge of a sneeze) actually stops being a chore. Reading it takes on an eager, almost unnecessarily frantic urgency. 

The winning combination of a blunt pencil, plane turbulence and fanboyish enthusiasm. If I'm ever a bomb suspect, this will be Exhibit A.

The winning combination of a blunt pencil, plane turbulence and fanboyish enthusiasm. If I'm ever a bomb suspect, this will be Exhibit A.

Enter the halfway house sections: among the most breathtaking pieces of empathetic writing I have ever had the joy of reading. Addiction, AA, depression, sobriety, anxiety, suicide, abuse, withdrawal, recovery; these heavy concepts are explored from every feasible angle through dozens of eyes. Drawn from a place somewhere between uncomfortable life experience and incredible empathy, it rings all kinds of true. It's eye-opening. It's heartbreaking. It will massively broaden your understanding and sympathy of anyone who draws life's short straws.

It is also, somehow, hilarious. DFW spans the full jocular spectrum: laugh-out-loud funny, cathartic black humour, sharp comic dialogue and ambiguous formatting gags (meandering page-long chapter titles; endnotes with footnotes that refer to other endnotes) scattered generously in between.

With massive tonal shifts from gutting realism to cartoon absurdity, Infinite Jest is somehow simultaneously sloppy and cohesive; formal and casual. Its syntax litters painstakingly-honed wordplay with "like"s and "but so anyway"s. Its narrator is happy to trust you with words like "tendentiously", yet somehow can't be bothered spelling out "w/r/t". This twisted casual/academic style feels less like drafted prose and more like an unfiltered stream of thoughts from DFW's magnificent and dearly-missed brain.  Which, I suppose, was the whole point.

Then it ends.  The world ejects you as disorientingly as it pulled you in, leaving you simultaneously itching for a climax (the finer points of which are largely left to the imagination), yet paradoxically satisfied that the author has said absolutely everything he has to say, and not one word more.

As a budding writer, I expected to find this literary achievement intimidating. (It is. Staggeringly so.) But the process of analysing and internalising this has left me with something more profound: a vague, oh-so-very-vague idea of the type of novel I would one day like to write.   Nothing this ambitious; nothing this good; nothing, really, like this at all.  But I take heart knowing it's there: a battered, well-travelled, messily blunt-pencil-annotated tome on how to do long-form right.

Six months ago, I never would have dreamed of vandalising a book with my own notes. Now, I barely dare touch a book without a pencil in hand.  My months with Infinite Jest have left me a more attentive reader, a better long-form writer, and hopefully, in a small but important way, a more empathetic human being. Certainly a more exhausted one. 

As a conventional novel, I cannot realistically recommend it.
As an experience, I cannot recommend it enough.

Now to read a whole lot of really short books.